I lose track of reality and I often get mad at myself. At times I just cry and sometimes I feel so tired that I can’t even cry. In all this madness that I try to keep myself sane through, every single thing I try to find peace in ends up destroying me the other way round. In all this catastrophe, why do I find solace in you? You’re all purple and it’s a happy color it scares me for I fear my blues would ruin your ethereal glow. I bleed in blue, green in burnt orange, I write in faded ink and scarlet blues. Purple stays so out of my reach, people like me do not deserve you.
I’m all damaged how can I do the same to you, my dear friend. You mean so much to me, I wanna let you in but all you’d ever find is chaos and ruin within every step. I myself, often falter in my own steps for I’m a coward and I’ve never really been strong. I can’t let you see all this that I’ve put myself through. So forgive me if I disappoint you, forgive me for I lost this battle long ago. I stand alone but still with hope for I find solace in you.

you’re still the same

You fall apart, yet again. You tried to muster up some strength but then you falter in your steps. The same insanity, the same grieving, after all this time,

how are you still the same?

Its the same stiffening of your breath, it’s the same name your mind screams, it’s the same blade you’ve been using for a while.

How are you still alive?

with the same bleak days repeating themselves, the same face pretending to be alright.

How are you still alive?

Why are you still the same, why can’t this nightmare just end already? Why does it seem to be only worsening, wasn’t it supposed to get better?

How can you still be here?

Even when you know the days that pass by are the same, why is there this hope lingering inside? Why do you keep telling yourself that everything will be fine? Why do you keep denying the truth and for how long are you going to do this? Why are you even doing this anymore?

let it go, just let it loose

there was never a way out.

the other side of midnight

At the edge of midnight
Lined with mistakes and heartbreaks

intertwining rhythms
Insatiable promises
Disgruntled, torn shards
Of glass and other subtle things

Broken razors
Protruding silver
Digging in the skin
Crimson clear waters
Breathing inside my head

Pretend

 

face soaked with tears

reminding you of every fear

 

mind heavy with pain

why is it such a filthy game?

 

heart filled with rage

let me just turn the page

 

wrists wounded,in pain

blades sliding,in vain

 

head screaming his name

how can I be so insane?

A letter to you

It seemed to me that if I’d have kissed you,you would’ve tasted like pepsi. Yes,the black pepsi that stains your tongue as if it’s a part of you.

God,I should’ve have dusted off that tiny spider off your shoulder for the second time too. I should’ve pulled your shirt and slammed you against the corridor, and told you how much I love you. I wish we could hold our hands together as long as we could and with you not having the slightest bit of issue regarding your sweaty hand.

Maybe I imagined the stars colliding against each other as you walked towards me because I couldn’t look straight at you with my heart skipping a beat every now and then. I wish I’d look good and hear those words from your mouth every single day. I wish you’d look into my eyes more often so that I was no longer sane.

All I wanted,everything I wanted was to be with you all the Goddamn time. To see that amazing smile that drives me all bonkers and calms me down at the same time. I wanted to fill in the void they left inside that heart with all the love I’d have ever been able to possess for you. That’s what it was,I wanted to complete you,I wanted to be so much more than simply being enough. But now it’s over. You’re telling her all those things you once used to tell me. You’re screaming her name in your dreams and pushing me off your mind as if I was there without a certain reason.

I loved you and I was so happy after such a long time and now my heart lies in tatters with blood discolouring around the edges. With a life no longer wanting to be lived and to be left alone with a cozy room with sleep hovering over 24/7.
Too unlucky to even sleep now,
Too sad to even dream now.
God,your eyes told me that you loved me but guess eyes lie too.

//a letter from the girl you left behind//

What am I to you
Tell me
Just a material for you to use
And throw away
Not to last
Or even stay.

A/N: this one’s so raw and bleak nevermind hope you are all doing good:)

Do it for yourself

Everytime you want to end your life and you just close your eyes. Rethinking everything, replaying every beautiful moment of your life and suddenly his face snaps across your eyes and it all replays again, but this time all the sad parts and that’s what triggers suicide inside you, but you don’t do it, you’ll never do it no matter how strong the urge turns out to be.
You’ve fought this before and come so far now, you’re not going to split up this easily.
You deserve all the goddamn good things in your life and this freaking thought gives me hope everytime and I get up, I fight it, no matter how acute the pain becomes, do it,do it for yourself.